he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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