My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have aggressive nipples.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I deserve this hangover.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
