he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Green mimosas i think yes
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
