I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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