it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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