Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
