I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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