Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
