My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
