Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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