Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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