Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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