he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
