Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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