I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
