i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
