It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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