ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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