The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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