I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
