Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
