That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
