i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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