I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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