I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
