Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
