well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
