I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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