when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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