my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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