i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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