I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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