My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
