Pregnant stripper...not hot.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dicks are not precious.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
its liver damage thursday
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
