my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I intend to get homeless drunk
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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