we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
