once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
