sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dick very happy bro
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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