PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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