Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
