you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
