True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
