i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
