so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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