He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
