I hate your face
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just had sex on a roof
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
