In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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