NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
