there's paper in my vomit.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
