I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
